I don’t work efficiently when I have pressure and everyone around me knows it.
But the fact is that there are two scholarships and three possible winners and I’m in the bottom limit, so the only thing I can do this term is to improve. If I get worse, I lose.
All the pressure I’ve got right now is my own pressure. My family has said me that I shouldn’t really worry about that, that it doesn’t matter at all if I don’t get it, that it’s OK if I take it as a challenge, but that I mustn’t take it as a competition. But sadly, I’ve always been and I’ll always be my worst enemy. And god, I know how much money it is and how it would help us, how good would be everything. And how easy is to screw it all up right now. And now I feel more choked and more overwhelmed than ever and I’m crying and feeling bad and everything and it hasn’t even started and I know I’m unfair because there are people who have real problems, who study and fail and who don’t deserve it, and I’m crying for a fucking amount of money. But I am.
And again, again and again, I’ve realized time’s fucking running out, and I have doubts again and I wish, I really wish blood and wounds and organs didn’t make me feel so sick so I could be a doctor, and have a work, and help people to live and feel useful; or that I knew technical drawing and were more clever with numbers and I could be an engineer and have a work and be useful; or that I could study Economics without despairing and have a work and be useful. But the thing is that the only thing I really like, the only things I really think I’m keen on are the languages. BUT THE FUCKING TRUTH IS THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I’LL STUDY, A NATIVE WILL ALWAYS SPEAK BETTER HIS OWN LANGUAGE THAN ME. and what the fuck!?!?! almost everybody will know english and his own degree and I’ll only know English and fuck, I want to have a work and everything. and how can i be useful if I can’t save lives or hel to improve my country or invent things?
and everybody seems to expect so much from me and I just want to hide under my duvet again and study languages as a hobby and find a degree that I like and that fills me and gives me work and money and everything.
and everything is ugly and everything hurts and I’m nervous and crying, etc.
