I’m having a little crisis.
I’m getting very very weighed down by my life right now. It’s not only the current exams, the current effort to do it well this term, which is actually pretty hard in itself. It’s the future, the pressure it makes on me, the urgent need of take decissions while all I want to do is to hide under my duvet all my life long.
The thing is I have not idea. Not idea at all. The moment is approaching and I’m sitting here, locking myself in my unreal world so I can forget I have to make choices which are supposed to be already made.
This shouldn’t be so hard. But te fact is that I always put myself in destructive situations, and William Beckett couldn’t have described me better. It’s like I always take the worst option even knowing it’s the worst option. I stretch everything so much it ends up getting broken. I base my life on things or persons who will hurt me, and I know it. It’s like accelerating when you see a wall or staying naked in the middle of the snow. I’m self-destructive, I bite my fingers even if I know they will bleed and hurt. I eat a lot even if I know I’ll hate myself later. I say things I shouldn’t even if I know they will bring me problems.
And because of that I know that whatever it is the decission I take, I won’t be happy. I won’t choice what I really want. I will be always thinking what if… I’ll never be sure. I’ll see the rest of the people happy and moving on and I will sit here thinking I did it wrong, I said the wrong answer, I should’ve choose the other option.
I’ll sit here being harsh with myself forever because that’s the only thing I know I deserve.
