This is being a particullary hard weekend. I’m always trying to avoid being in the same room with my father because it’s uncomfortable and it usually makes me feel bad. And probably since we stopped talking, we hadn’t been together for so long as yesterday.
He was in front of me talking to my grandfather, and indirectly talking about me. And I know he was provoking me, but he didn’t even look to my face. And I had to grab my chair, because I was about to stand up and punch him in the face. And I was biting my tongue for not to say something I would’ve regret later. And I was taking deep breaths to calm myself down and not to cry. And I was looking to my mum and telling her silently: I can’t stand this. I’m sorry but I really can’t.
And then I was quietly crying in the car while listening to sad songs and having sad thoughts, and I went to bed as soon as I came home and today I’ve slept 11 hours.
I CAN’T stand Christmas at the moment. I just can’t. I wish I could just go away ‘til 10 January. I’m going to have such bad holidays… :(
